I haven't slept properly in nearly a week. Partly because I was busy helping a friend prepare for her wedding which was a great success but more because I haven't been blogging and getting my feelings out. When I start to internalise, it wreaks havoc in my head and in my heart. So I have come back to be honest and try to de-junk my mind as much as is possible.
Since I last blogged, I met up with SD who I think has finally learnt how to be a man and respect women. It was a lovely evening, catching up and discussing. No funny looks, no disrespect, just a nice evening with two old friends catching up. It was nice and drama free. must admit, drama free relationships don't come naturally to me. I prefer things heightened and emotional but I am learning that this is not a recipe for happiness at all.
Working my way through this book, I realise that I am addicted to cheap thrills and instead of learning how to form good habits which lead to lasting happiness, I have made do with little "highs" which are always followed by some terrible lows. Right now in my life, there is peace that some people would die for. I have a job, I have a family who love me, I am not hungry or broke. All my vital organs work and I am not crippled or handicapped in any way. Still, a part of me can't bear the silence. A part of me wants to go and find 'excitement' because it is just too quiet around here.
I will be honest and say I have given Mr Love Triangle more thought than he deserves. I have started work in the same building and he is just a few floors down from where I work. In my madness, I have half wished I could bump into him, exactly why I cannot tell you. Somehow, the prospect seems exciting but this is why I know I have a problem. My impulses are dangerous. After suffering the ultimate rejection from this man, somehow my brain is telling me how nice it would be to see him and show him what he is missing but in truth, I am the sad and lonely one whilst he has a wife and a daughter to go home to.
At least I am recognising the fact that temptation wants to lead me into dark territory and pray that by the special Grace of God, the choice I have made to stay away from him will hold true, same job or not. I choose peace and I choose to do the right thing. I will not call his line by 'mistake', I won't wander up to his floor, I won't hang around the canteen hoping to get a glimpse, I am just going to leave well alone and live my own life.
I have decided to try to think my choices through and make the right ones no matter how dull they may be. It is more exciting to have a dirty secret but surely, it must be more peaceful and ultimately more happy to live a life free of guilt and shame.
I am committed to the cause and I wage war on drama in my life. I put it away. Sometimes it may seem dull and boring but ultimately, I know that it is the right thing to do. I am going to try to trust God for true happiness. Not the kind that is here today gone tomorrow but the kind I can rely on day in day out.
Already my eyes are closing and I feel finally able to have a good night's rest.
It's been a long time coming but I know my change is gon' come or perhaps it is even here already.
No comments:
Post a Comment