I get am for drama sha!

Here are a selection of passionate emails I wrote to ex lovers... bored and going through my emails I thought I'd share. Enjoy!

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27 April 2007

Dear F,

This morning I woke up and I decided that today was going to be my day. A day where only my happiness mattered and every other thing was secondary. Which is why today, I am expelling you from my life. There's nothing left for you here, no love, no sympathy, no friendship, no time, nothing. From this moment on, please lose my number and don't bother replying to this email, it won't be read. Don't text me and don't call. Just stay where you are let me stay where I am.

For clarity's sake, I'll tell you why. Yesterday was your biggest display yet of how inconsiderate and thoughtless you can be. Yes I didn't say anything because if I had, I would have said too much. Even now, I am not angry, just severely disappointed and to tell the truth I feel a little sorry for you. I took the £40 you gave me, and decided that spending it on a night out with you was a good idea. I didn't go shopping, I didn't buy food, I didn't adrdress my phone bill. I just decided to go out with you. Then you turn around and say, "I'm not coming back after the interval". When asked why, you replied "because I am not enjoying it". That right there is where the problem lies. It's always about you. I could have been enjoying myself, you don't know or should I say you don't really care. How many times have I done things with you that I wouldn't dream of doing in a million years? I have done things I cannot even mention in this email, pushed my personal boundaries just to go with you on your journey through life.

The one time I take a bold step and try to claim an evening for myself, do something I am interested in, that was what I got. That was rude, inappropriate, inconsiderate and downright mean. It wouldn't have killed you to even pretend to enjoy yourself if only not to seem rude. That's why people go far. In this life, it's all a little give and take. All that attitude of me, me, me gets you nowhere. It was not cool and it is disgraceful behaviour.

I don't need or want an apology, you're the least of my worries right now. I hurt for the days gone by but frankly, I am glad I have mustered up the strength to put you where you belong - out. This is it, I'm gone for good. I know I wasn't perfect but damn it I cared. I actually gave a sh*t. I cared about you, your career, your child, your problems, your weight everything. Right now, I'm exhausted from giving you so much and receiving so little in return. For months, I've put up with you calling me no more often than a regular booty call, you disappearing without explanation, you texting all sorts of women on your phone, you dismissing me when you're not in the mood for me, you keeping secrets, you subjecting me to your excesses be it drink or otherwise but finally, I see the finish line and the race is over. Last week should have given you a clue into my general state of mind into how I was currently feeling about you (feelings I put aside to reach out to you on this issue of you looking for work) but not even that was enough to muster up any effort from you.

So without further ado, I say goodbye and good luck. You're going to need it. I happily flounce into my future which is bright and lovely especially as you are no longer blocking my sun.

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Sent: 21 June 2005 16:55

To: Mr Love Triangle

Subject: Enough

Just wanted you to know that I've had it with your derogatory attitude. I've had enough of your arrogance thinking you're better than everybody else and practically worshipping those you consider to be the truly 'made'. I'm so disappointed in you because for someone with such humble beginnings one would think that your head would be in the right place.

I hate the way you make me feel about myself, how small and dismissive you can be. I am taking back my freedom from you, I've truly had enough Mr Love Triangle (or whatever your name is these days)! Please just leave me alone. Keep to your high and mighty job and your high and mighty, house buying, flashy car driving friends. Just remember, we all came to this world with nothing and that's exactly how we're going to leave it. you can't take it with you.

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After that bust up, we didn't talk to each other for months then one day, he sent me an email out of the blue saying are you ok? I responded saying "If you miss me just say so". This is what he said:

From:Mr. Love Triangle

Sent: 09 December 2005 15:53

Subject: RE: Details

haa, I don't miss you at all!! I was just making sure you are OK. miss you

ke, should I be missing you after spending the last 4years of my life with

you. Which I must say was (hmm what's the word am locking for)............

of course I miss you. If I didn't do you think I would have called you not

only that then ask you out. What kind of statement is that 'just say you

miss me' . I more that miss you my girl. Anyway we wont go there.....

Cool, meeting me after work sounds good what time do you finish? I finish

for 5pm. where do you want to meet me?

We can go to my house pick up the tapes and I can drop you home (you

drive).

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What I call a 3.5yr saga was actually more than 6yrs long by the time the curtain came down last year. Long time to have been underg. Till this day, you dear reader and a priveleged few are the only ones that know.

The Lord is on my side

This week has been a bit drama free so far and the little there is I realise, is of my own doing. It's as though I am addicted to drama in a way and having a day go by quietly is almost too much to take. It shouldn't surprise me much because this is what happens when you begin to stagnate in your relationship with Christ, which is exactly what has happened to me in the last few weeks and months.

Stagnating comes upon you suddenly. Oh no, you never plan to get in that situation but if you're anything like me, all it takes is missing church a few times, deciding to forgo Wednesday service and forfeiting quiet time everyday. It comes when you decide your bible is too heavy for your bag and after all I have the "downloaded" version on my phone. Never mind that I hate reading the small text on my phone, but I convince myself that the bible is technically always there for me.

The biggest tell tale sign however, is when you begin to ask people for advice instead of God, your maker and the One who will always lead and guide you through troubled waters safely to the other side. I have recently relied heavily on the advice and companionship of others to navigate some tough decisions regarding work and relationships.

This morning, I realised the extent of my folly for human beings are great and can make great friends and mentors but their motives are subject to change and what may have started off as a genuine relationship can somewhere down the line deteriorate into a competition fuelled by envy or jealousy,

God is the same yesterday, today and forever more. With that comes a stability that is hard to match or find elsewhere. Over 2000 yrs later and the Word remains the same. Unchanging, steadfast and full of grace,love and mercy. So when next you feel yourself getting caught up in the spiral of human relationships and wondering who is on your side and who exactly is against you, just remember God's promises and be rest assured that the Lord is on your side.

Romans 8:31

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?"


As I meet SD tonight, I want to remember this truth and remember that God is for me, in every sense of the word.
 
Just before publishing this post, I got a text from my uni "friend", saying "Do you want to head out Wed or Thurs this week?" I didn't even bother to ask "where are we meant to be going?" The flippancy with which he is suggesting a dirty weekend away with him just proves exactly what I was saying up there. We need relationships that seek to serve and not to "use". I thank God for the revelation of what's really important and the wisdom to say no to this fool. (I replied saying, no thanks but have fun)

Weekend Round up

I had a good weekend, nothing special happened but as usual, a sprinkling of drama here and there. Guess the biggest event this weekend was visiting my ex's mum and sister. I know, weird huh? His mum is around on holiday from Nigeria and his sister lives in this town. Whilst I was dating this guy, before I met his family, things were a bit awkward because I am actually nearly 2 years older than him. What made it worse was that this sister and I are the same age, in fact I am older than her too (by a few months) and she is married with a 2 yr old son! Of course I felt funny dating her kid brother, who didn't even call her by name despite the fact that she was only 2 years older than him.

The biggest issue was what to call her! In Yoruba culture, the wife is "junior" to the eldest sibling in the husband's family regardless of actual age or anything so technically I was meant to add "sister" in front of whatever it was I called her. I was like "oh hell to the no" I was so born before this chick! Anyway it caused major friction between my guy and I because he wanted me to be close to her at all costs and I a) felt it was too soon, b) couldn't resolve the issue of how to address her.

Eventually I cracked when he put me on a major guilt trip about how it was really important that I was close to his family because he wanted his wife to be and his family to be close. I should have known better, meeting the family too early on in a relationship is a no-no (we were barely 5 months in but I guess at my age, that's long enough) because you begin to feel obliged to them when you want to take difficult decisions. Thankfully, my sanity was at stake when we broke up so I absolutely had no qualms calling it quits. Basically my boo is a great guy but as laid back as they come. 

If he leaned back any further he'd snap in two.... This was an able bodied 30 yr old man who still lived at home with no clear plan or desire to move out (basically, there was a risk that if I married him, we'd have to live there for a while).  Also, his wages were so meagre, he couldn't even afford the airtime credit to call me. I spent a small fortune on phone calls back home and even used to send him money for credit.

Now before you jump to that conclusion about me being short sighted and he could be somebody tomorrow, I have no doubt about that and I am very sure he is destined for greatness and success one day but on top of his current situation, my ex-man is one of the proudest people I have ever known. And not in a good way. Discussions about his career were off limits, he wouldn't take any advice on starting a side hustle or even trying to move out of home. 

This was very upsetting to me because what is a relationship without communication? I didn't mind paying for the phone calls, sending him stuff etc. but to have him too busy to speak to me, clubbing every Friday, falling asleep whilst I was trying to have a conversation was just a bit too much. So I ended it. I absolutely have no regrets and in fact since we broke up, his childishness has risen to the fore unchecked. 

Take for example a package that he has supposedly sent me. When asked what it was, he replied with " something I sent with a heavy heart" I mean really? I have a feeling he sent back all the gifts I ever bought him! I find out tomorrow so I will provide an update.

Anyway, his mum and sister loved me on meeting me and have stayed in touch since we broke up. I don't know if they're hoping I'll go back but at the time we broke up they claimed to be behind me all the way, having themselves unsuccessfully tried to ask him to sit up. It was a nice day today and his mum even gave me a gift, a necklace I doubt I'll ever wear but it was a sweet thought on her part anyway.....

Been listening to Tevin Campbell and Toni Braxton as I wrote tonight's post. I'm feeling amorous and I don't know why but hey I embrace the feeling. You never know, having an amorous state of mind may produce interesting results as I go about my business this week. I need to lose the feeling before Tuesday though, lol, SD and I are still meeting for drinks.

Have a great week

x

See me see trouble....

Woke up this morning to the announcement of the birth of twins by a friend(?) of mine. Good news right? Only this was the first time I had heard she was even pregnant and worse still, I spent a week in her house last Christmas!


Ok maybe she didn't know at that point but she contacted me on my birthday about 2 months ago and her husband even more bizarrely called me out of the blue about 4 weeks ago too. In fact when he called I was afraid because even though I am close to both of them, he had never called me on a random 1-2-1 like that before. I sensed at the time that he wanted to tell me something but he changed his mind whilst on the call, instead, he said he'd just called to say hello and see how I was... I thought that was strange but I shrugged it off.


Now this morning, they are announcing the birth of twins, I mean really, is it me or do I have a right to question what is really hood here? I have known this chick for over 9yrs and we lived together at one point. I was on her bridal train for goodness sakes. We don't live in the same town any more which is why I went to stay with them at Christmas but we try to stay in touch via, emails and phone calls. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying she should have called me minutes after peeing on the stick but how can you, in the middle of carrying twins, say Happy birthday to me and "forget" to mention that??????


Funny thing is, she did this the first time around with their first born. I was invited to her baby shower by another friend of hers and again at the time I didn't know she was pregnant. I put it down to first baby jitters and an oversight and she even apologised profusely at the time but now this? I just don't know. Is this toxic? Or just the way she has decided to live her life? I wonder, was I the only one in the dark (aside from family of course) or was there any other friend deemed good enough to hear this news?


I really don't know what this is all about or what exactly am I to do with the text? Go down there with an arm-load of gifts? For now, I have responded by text to say Congratulations! That's all I feel able to do for now. I am not sure where they want me in their lives so until I know for sure, I think I will just siddon look. Does this behaviour constitute a toxic friendship or not? She's ok all the other times but this twice in a row? Tough one....


*Update*
In case you wondered, I cancelled the date with SD on Thursday, I couldn't deal with foolishness two days in a row, but apparently a weekend is all I need to reset all my functions because I am meeting him on Tuesday now.

All is forgiven

At last! A happy tale (or two) in my life :)

So Bridezilla fired me unceremoniously a couple of days ago and I was really quite crushed as I'd gone to a lot of trouble to plan a great night for her despite difficult circumstances. Well, today she called me and apologised for the way she'd treated me, saying she felt bad and she knows that I worked hard for her. She admitted to being a bit selfish regarding her wedding day and wanting everything to go her way. She really apologised for both herself and even Madam Relaxation saying she has high blood pressure issues hence her avoiding me and not wanting to be stressed when we were planning.

Apologies are great especially when not coerced but come out of a desire tro respect the other party and a desire to pursue peace. I love it when apologies are made and graciously accepted, it enables both parties to move on and continue their friendship where they left off.  Remember I said she was borderline toxic, I guess  I wrote that because sometimes she'd really go off on one but every time she'd follow up with an apology. Given that she at least cares enough to fix issues, perhaps I should delete her from the Toxic list and move her into just friends... Is six years long enough to make this judgement call? Or do toxic friends always have that potential to hurt you no matter how dormant they lay, a bit like a volcano.is it once toxic always toxic?

These are my questions today. I got the job from this morning. I think I am going to take it. I just need to really reinforce my resolve not to entertain Mr Love Triangle on any level. As of the last time we saw, he stood in line behind me at a church function with his wife and kid and I ignored him. Thank God for sunglasses, that was the closest we'd come since that fateful day in February in Nigeria when in my frustration at our infatuation with one another, I mean here we were, 2 years on and he was still standing in my living room and he had hugged me a little too tightly. I asked what it was about me and why, if he 'loves' me so much wasn't I chosen? The answer came back short and direct - it was/is the sex.

Stunned, I showed him the door and that was it till that day in the church line. To reduce our 3.5yrs to those 3 letters was just one more insult I couldn't take. For what it's worth, I know that I know he was lying. It so wasn't just sex, it was so much more than that. You're probably thinking you fool, but I know what it was. I can never understand or explain why he said what he said but I know it wasn't just s-e-x.

Bad Boys

Ok so this post is about last night's date but I will talk about another bad boy later.

Last night was nothing short of a hot mess. Seriously? 10yrs on, this guy is still trying it on. I'm like, I'm grown now, what sort of response did you think you'd get to the invitation to "go back to the town Uni was in for the weekend". What even irritated me more was the brazen and unchecked way in which he just dived straight in.

From the minute we met by the station till I left, he wouldn't shut up about how "amazing" I looked blah, blah. When I asked about his wife, the story is that they've been together 7 years but only married in the last 2 and one day she woke up and said she felt like she lost her youth to him and she wants to live her life. She's not ready for kids and he claims this is a big problem for him as he is 37 and she's 28, so he feels he's running out of time. All this is happening, according to him, after a 90k wedding in one of Maddonna's favourite hotels in London.

He went on to bore me with details of how he has sacrificed for her buying her designers etc and being faithful like he deserved a medal for that! It wasn't long before he made his intention to take up a mistress clear and he was dead serious.

The interesting thing about this story is not so much him but me and how after nearly 15years experience in dating, I still don't have the confidence to say no to inappropriateness. I let him say all sorts to me including how I "killed him" (with anticipation and longing) whilst we were at Uni by refusing to indulge in fleshly passions with him, how seeing me "awakened a part of him that he thought was dead" and my personal favourite, "there's something about you that smoulders" meaning years after the flame on an encounter with me has been put out, the smoke continues to burn.

Many women boast of putting a guy in his place, telling him rudely not to speak to them in such a manner etc but sometimes I wonder how many really do this? Funny thing is I don't think I have a problem asserting myself with one undesirable person I can barely stand. I have stepped on the toes of many an ardent fan in this manner but I just find it hard when I call you a friend. How do you tell your friend not to say such things? How do you slap him down on the inappropriateness of his speech?

I just sat there and tried not to smile or flirt or act in anyway that could be construed as coy but on getting home I realised I felt violated - verbally. There was an incident though that I think brought his runaway train of madness to a screeching halt. I sent my friend a bb message about his "sob story" re: his wife and how I just wasn't in the mood for it. On reaching for my phone to admire my pictures, he saw it! I forgot to wipe it off the screen. I acted like noting happened but I was mortified and happy all at the same time!

He didn't say anything but I noticed that he chilled a bit after that. So on this occasion I was saved by the phone but what happens on the day where I have no props, no company, no security? Am I saying I cant be trusted not to be that foolish 25yr old I was with SD again despite being over 30 now? It is worrying but when I look back on my life, I see a pattern of chronic people pleasing that has occurred in my relationships both romantic and otherwise.

They say admitting to having and owning an issue is the first step to recovery so don't feel too sorry for me when I post all these (seemingly) negative attributes about myself. This blog is about being honest and real with myself.  A tall order with anyone else as judgement is real and even with the best of intentions, friends may never see you the same way if I was to open up about some of this stuff.

Speaking of friends, in my slightly intoxicated state of mind yesterday I gave out my blog address to a friend and even though she has promised not to discuss anything she reads with me or to say anything to anyone, I can't help but feel like I'm already censoring! So far I have been able to write freely but there are other things that give a clearer picture about state of mind when events took place that I do not feel at liberty to share now. Hopefully, I will continue in this free vein but if I sense that I am holding back too much I will have to lock down the blog and only have invited readers.

Finally, this morning I attended an interview for a job that I am considering. When I walked in the meeting room, I couldn't resist flipping through the address book on the phone whilst I waited for my interviewer. I just had to know and yes dear readers, it's true. Mr Love Triangle works there. I'm gutted. It's a huge building so I may never have to see him but he's too close for comfort. I know him and I know his M.O and even worse I know my weaknesses and foolishness coupled with a chronic need to be wanted and loved.

He'll start off by being a good Christian, saying hello, asking if everything is ok, maybe once or twice a week. then one fateful day, we'll both work late and he'll say he wants to apologise for everything. Then now that he's apologised and there's no malice or strife, it'll be how about lunch?  I can see it coming a mile off!

The opportunity is a very good one and I think I should take it (if offered) but to be forewarned is to be forearmed and if I know he works there I need to get it straight in my mind how we're going to (or not) relate. I have prayed and asked God to guide me as to which opportunity to take.

Another day, Another drama.......

Toxic friendships are going to be a common theme on this blog because sadly my life is full of them. Fortunately, I have just as many meaningful and sweet relationships with thinking people which is why I have managed to deal with all of the c*%p without being suicidal till now.


My borderline friend whom I was never sure what side of the fence she sat on has let me know now. Since getting engaged and becoming a bridezilla-in-wating, it's been classic narcissistic behaviour from her. Despite planning her wedding to be a logistical nightmare (it's in two different towns on the same day, like a Lagos wedding and an Ijebu reception type situation), I have tried to be supportive but I knew I was in trouble when I was chosen to lead the hen night preparations alongside another friend of hers.

What do you do when you invite 30pple and only 6 say yes? Yes, this was the nightmare I faced and all of my glam plans came to nothing because i needed more people to make certain things viable. Such was the stress that said co-planner just stopped speaking to me altogether. I could never get her on the phone and one night she actually texted me to say "not tonight I just want to relax!!"

I agonised and agonised about how to tell someone that 24 of your friends apparently don't give a toss and to be honest I buried my head in the sand and avoided my friend for a while (she went on holiday shortly after delivering the instructions but I had been running away from her since). Little did I know that Madam Relaxation would seize the opportunity to "report" my lack of effort and blame the failure of all the planning on my lack of pro-activeness and unwillingness to go the extra mile!

 Ehn? I was stunned!! This is an issue that had kept me up at night, that saw me humbling myself to call someone I had cut out of my life for advice, saw me doing evite.com at work and here I was being told my services were no longer needed (yes o she fired me from the hen night planning committee)!! Even more galling was the fact that she said that Madam Relaxation would see to all the arrangements. This set up is Me and Bridezilla = 6yrs+ of friendship, Bridezilla and Madam Relaxation =< 18 months of friendship.

I was stunned but more than that I wondered how I had managed to enter toxic relationship number 4, yes number 4. The kind where you keep hoping tomorrow is when they start to be nice to me, tomorrow is when they realise that I am the best friend ever, that  I am the one who would do anything for them, spend  my money, exhaust myself, lose weight thinking about their problems, only to be cruelly reminded that they don't care even if I were to die in their place.

Why? because those foolish choices are ones I chose to make. They didn't beg me to spend my money, donate a kidney or anything else I consider so virtuous for a friend to do. Nobody sent me and as I have made my bed, I am trying to lie in (or slide out of, more like) it.When will I learn????????????? I have been dumped, insulted, duped and cheated in this area of friendship but yet, I keep drifting from one person to the next hoping this one will be "the one". Sad isn't it?


I tell myself the truth and I know I have no one to blame but myself for my foolish choices so I am working through this book in order to help myself and try to find that balance that I so desperately need. Friendship is great but only friendship with God is worth pursuing and investing heavily in because it brings results without fail. As I write this, I realise that God is asking me the simple question, "Why is it always them before Me?"


I don't know but I am determined to change this story. This is one part of my history which I will rewrite. I will continue to strive to get it right. Friendship in it's true and pure form must exist out there and I will find it.

Do call it a comeback....

It's turning out to be quite the week of comebacks, First SD, then I decide to start blogging again now I am meeting blast from the past #2 tonight after work.


I bumped into him last Friday on my way to work. We went to Uni together and I haven't seen him since. He was part of a group of four Nigerians who all hung out together at Uni because not only were we the only black people on campus (this was back in 1998) but we were all Nigerian. Unfortunately, I was the only chick so I did all the cooking!


So this guy and I have a very funny history because somewhere in the middle of our friendship, something happened, or did it? We never dated and we didn't go all the way but I think we messed around a bit copping a feel here and there or did we? It's very strange because I have very vague memories of this day (it was only one time if it did happen at all) but because it was never discussed and our friendship went on in a business as usual fashion, I often wonder if I didn't imagine it, after all I am a writer of sorts aren't I?


Anyhow, he gave me his card and I emailed him as I was very excited to bump into my friend from over 10yrs ago. We lost touch due to a combination of factors. I lost approx. 5 years of my life as my career was non existent, I was perpetually broke so I couldn't socialise and I was caught up in a ridiculous romance which no one but myself knew about at the time because it was a love triangle. He chose her but it still took a couple of years for the dust to settle on that one - I was still hacking into his email last year - but I digress.


He on the other hand, was doing quite well and he tried to help my career along by coaching me and sending me jobs to apply to but eventually I withdrew and I guess he gave up. Fast forward to 2010 and now I'm flying high and looking good whilst I'm at it so of course when I bumped into him again, I enthusiastically agreed to meet for a catch up. I had heard he was married so I wasn't thinking anything.


Until Monday evening when I got a text asking what the plan was for Wed. I replied and suggested the venue and time. Then he came back with "so don't tell me a fine girl like you is still single". Alarm bells went off I tell you (sebi he is married) but I replied saying " Na so we see am o my broda, how is your wife?" Then he replies "Wife sha? That one na long story, see you on Wed sweet dreams x"


My heart sank as I thought oh no, I hope he is not going to try to go there. If you're wondering why INi am not singing with joy at this oasis in the middle of the desert also known as my love life, see my previous post as most of the reasons apply including the fact that he's not black lol. If that confuses you, he was born and bred in Naija and speaks Hausa and pidgin fluently.


Let me not get ahead of myself. I will come back and report when I have met him tonight. What an exciting week this is turning out to be.... meanwhile SD has chickened out, he hasn't confirmed our date tomorrow yet and I think I will let sleeping dogs lie. Perhaps he also felt what I felt when we spoke and decided not to go there for his wife's sake. Either way, I am grateful to be spared another foolish decision. Lord help me to wise up day by day. Amen.

To be continued.....

Does he want me or not?

So this guy at work is talking some strange talk and I have to wonder, does he want me or not? What do you think?


He wanders over to my desk at least 3 times a day
He asks me if I missed him when he's away from the office
He asks me if I would consider dating an atheist given my Christian beliefs
He looks at me with eyes that could melt butter but says nothing
He asked me if he would feature in this new blog I'm writing
He wants me to go to the movies with him sometime
He sent me a picture of him in non work clothes
He asked me to lunch with his friends
He sent me a text on my birthday at 10am on a Sunday!!!!


Yes, I know, I know but I guess I can't believe it because:


I'm black and he's not
I don't understand why he's not intimidated by my weave and my make up (which gets everywhere)
He hasn't asked me outright on a date
He has seen my Bible  in my bag and on my phone, is he not afraid?
He didn't invite me on his holiday which he is taking next week (ok extreme I know)


Why do we women look for love in all the wrong places? The light here is as green as green can be but


I can't let go of my fantasy of a strong black man
Even if he started going to church I would feel light years ahead of him having been a Christian for so long (over 15yrs) and I wont be able to resist correcting him and nagging him to pray in tongues
I worry over stuff like how he would run his fingers through my non existent hair
How will I indulge my penchant for non-english Nollywood?
Can he deal with my extended family and what they really think of people from his part of the world?


These, ladies, are precisely the reasons why I pray I don't die alone because if I have this much baggage is it any wonder I can't let love find me?


What do you think I should compromise on in list #2?


What would you compromise on if it were you?

Dive straight in....

Ok, so I'm going to skip the welcome post, the post that tells you why I decided to start blogging (again) and all of that jazz because it doesn't really matter... All that counts is that I am here now and I feel like sharing so here it goes....


Just had a phone call and something tells me I shouldn't have answered it. This is the problem with having the same number for over 5 years, they just seem to be able to find you no matter how far you run or where you go. Anyhoo, it was let's call him Swedish Delight for reasons I may or may not share on this site at some point in the future. SD and I met nearly 8 years ago now, through a mutual work colleague. The weird thing about SD was that he was not in any way a handsome man at all but his swexy cut through the air like a knife.


Unfortunately, at the time we met, I was very naive and incredibly stupid where men were concerned so I fell for his charms. Don't worry I really was stupid, I don't just enjoy calling myself names... Anyway I have attempted to cut him off like a cancer in my life because somehow, every time I am near him even after all these years, my mind immediately takes a nose dive and I find myself somehow thinking about "us" in that sense. Never mind that he is now married and has a daughter, the feeling is still the same.


I know what you are thinking and no, I have no plans to break up his happy home, I am a Christian myself and I don't need telling what's what but I am merely expressing the feelings that crop up every time I see this man and perhaps in my mind that still needs a lot work, I am hoping that writing it down and getting a good telling off from blogsphere will help to keep me on the straight and narrow.


Last time I spoke to him, I was in a relationship and that helped to keep the feelings at bay. I guess that is why I was so friendly and receiving back then (a few months ago) but since then I have split up with my ex and I really should be careful about having drinks on Thursday after work which is exactly what I have agreed with him.


Something about SD is intoxicating and our chemistry just cannot be denied. No other man in my entire adult life has had this effect on me. I guess it's because not only is he sexy but he's kind and he actually apologised to me for taking advantage of me when he should have known better. He is at least 10 years older than me. Maybe I am just being stupid all over again, after all he lured me into an intimate relationship with himself and when I think about the circumstances surrounding the whole episode it really was quite off.


Up until the 'get naked' moment, I foolishly believed we were just friends who were hanging out till it dawned on me that I was miles away from home and trapped for the weekend with this man.  I tried to do some last minute damage control by inviting some friends on the trip with us but duh! I had still agreed to share the hotel room with him so even though there were 4 of us on the trip, I had to retreat to the lion's den every evening till we came back.  It never occurred to me that saying 'no' was an option. And sadly, I decided this is my bed that I made, I have to lie in it.


The whole episode left me confused and dazed because this was a man I knew I would never have had the presence of mind to date at the time because this was simply a man too mature for me. Even though I enjoyed his company, I didn't know how I would justify dating a man older than the first born in our house so I just never did it. Even though he tried to stay in touch and invited me to his house, I had never been in a friends-with-benefits relationship and I wasn't about to start then so I stayed away.


It took a few years but eventually I decided to let bygones be bygones and I started to speak with him again, firstly on FB and then on the phone. He gave me the most amazing advice through some difficult relationships and it was when he was doing this that he acknowledged that he'd also played a part in being the bad guy in my life and he apologised profusely for that.


Fast forward to August 2010 and here we are having drinks on Thursday. Before today, I probably last spoke to him last year.  Now we're doing drinks. I'd better make mine a double, orange juice, that is.