Woke up this morning to the announcement of the birth of twins by a friend(?) of mine. Good news right? Only this was the first time I had heard she was even pregnant and worse still, I spent a week in her house last Christmas!
Ok maybe she didn't know at that point but she contacted me on my birthday about 2 months ago and her husband even more bizarrely called me out of the blue about 4 weeks ago too. In fact when he called I was afraid because even though I am close to both of them, he had never called me on a random 1-2-1 like that before. I sensed at the time that he wanted to tell me something but he changed his mind whilst on the call, instead, he said he'd just called to say hello and see how I was... I thought that was strange but I shrugged it off.
Now this morning, they are announcing the birth of twins, I mean really, is it me or do I have a right to question what is really hood here? I have known this chick for over 9yrs and we lived together at one point. I was on her bridal train for goodness sakes. We don't live in the same town any more which is why I went to stay with them at Christmas but we try to stay in touch via, emails and phone calls. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying she should have called me minutes after peeing on the stick but how can you, in the middle of carrying twins, say Happy birthday to me and "forget" to mention that??????
Funny thing is, she did this the first time around with their first born. I was invited to her baby shower by another friend of hers and again at the time I didn't know she was pregnant. I put it down to first baby jitters and an oversight and she even apologised profusely at the time but now this? I just don't know. Is this toxic? Or just the way she has decided to live her life? I wonder, was I the only one in the dark (aside from family of course) or was there any other friend deemed good enough to hear this news?
I really don't know what this is all about or what exactly am I to do with the text? Go down there with an arm-load of gifts? For now, I have responded by text to say Congratulations! That's all I feel able to do for now. I am not sure where they want me in their lives so until I know for sure, I think I will just siddon look. Does this behaviour constitute a toxic friendship or not? She's ok all the other times but this twice in a row? Tough one....
*Update*
In case you wondered, I cancelled the date with SD on Thursday, I couldn't deal with foolishness two days in a row, but apparently a weekend is all I need to reset all my functions because I am meeting him on Tuesday now.
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Friday, 20 August 2010
Thursday, 19 August 2010
All is forgiven
At last! A happy tale (or two) in my life :)
So Bridezilla fired me unceremoniously a couple of days ago and I was really quite crushed as I'd gone to a lot of trouble to plan a great night for her despite difficult circumstances. Well, today she called me and apologised for the way she'd treated me, saying she felt bad and she knows that I worked hard for her. She admitted to being a bit selfish regarding her wedding day and wanting everything to go her way. She really apologised for both herself and even Madam Relaxation saying she has high blood pressure issues hence her avoiding me and not wanting to be stressed when we were planning.
Apologies are great especially when not coerced but come out of a desire tro respect the other party and a desire to pursue peace. I love it when apologies are made and graciously accepted, it enables both parties to move on and continue their friendship where they left off. Remember I said she was borderline toxic, I guess I wrote that because sometimes she'd really go off on one but every time she'd follow up with an apology. Given that she at least cares enough to fix issues, perhaps I should delete her from the Toxic list and move her into just friends... Is six years long enough to make this judgement call? Or do toxic friends always have that potential to hurt you no matter how dormant they lay, a bit like a volcano.is it once toxic always toxic?
These are my questions today. I got the job from this morning. I think I am going to take it. I just need to really reinforce my resolve not to entertain Mr Love Triangle on any level. As of the last time we saw, he stood in line behind me at a church function with his wife and kid and I ignored him. Thank God for sunglasses, that was the closest we'd come since that fateful day in February in Nigeria when in my frustration at our infatuation with one another, I mean here we were, 2 years on and he was still standing in my living room and he had hugged me a little too tightly. I asked what it was about me and why, if he 'loves' me so much wasn't I chosen? The answer came back short and direct - it was/is the sex.
Stunned, I showed him the door and that was it till that day in the church line. To reduce our 3.5yrs to those 3 letters was just one more insult I couldn't take. For what it's worth, I know that I know he was lying. It so wasn't just sex, it was so much more than that. You're probably thinking you fool, but I know what it was. I can never understand or explain why he said what he said but I know it wasn't just s-e-x.
So Bridezilla fired me unceremoniously a couple of days ago and I was really quite crushed as I'd gone to a lot of trouble to plan a great night for her despite difficult circumstances. Well, today she called me and apologised for the way she'd treated me, saying she felt bad and she knows that I worked hard for her. She admitted to being a bit selfish regarding her wedding day and wanting everything to go her way. She really apologised for both herself and even Madam Relaxation saying she has high blood pressure issues hence her avoiding me and not wanting to be stressed when we were planning.
Apologies are great especially when not coerced but come out of a desire tro respect the other party and a desire to pursue peace. I love it when apologies are made and graciously accepted, it enables both parties to move on and continue their friendship where they left off. Remember I said she was borderline toxic, I guess I wrote that because sometimes she'd really go off on one but every time she'd follow up with an apology. Given that she at least cares enough to fix issues, perhaps I should delete her from the Toxic list and move her into just friends... Is six years long enough to make this judgement call? Or do toxic friends always have that potential to hurt you no matter how dormant they lay, a bit like a volcano.is it once toxic always toxic?
These are my questions today. I got the job from this morning. I think I am going to take it. I just need to really reinforce my resolve not to entertain Mr Love Triangle on any level. As of the last time we saw, he stood in line behind me at a church function with his wife and kid and I ignored him. Thank God for sunglasses, that was the closest we'd come since that fateful day in February in Nigeria when in my frustration at our infatuation with one another, I mean here we were, 2 years on and he was still standing in my living room and he had hugged me a little too tightly. I asked what it was about me and why, if he 'loves' me so much wasn't I chosen? The answer came back short and direct - it was/is the sex.
Stunned, I showed him the door and that was it till that day in the church line. To reduce our 3.5yrs to those 3 letters was just one more insult I couldn't take. For what it's worth, I know that I know he was lying. It so wasn't just sex, it was so much more than that. You're probably thinking you fool, but I know what it was. I can never understand or explain why he said what he said but I know it wasn't just s-e-x.
Bad Boys
Ok so this post is about last night's date but I will talk about another bad boy later.
Last night was nothing short of a hot mess. Seriously? 10yrs on, this guy is still trying it on. I'm like, I'm grown now, what sort of response did you think you'd get to the invitation to "go back to the town Uni was in for the weekend". What even irritated me more was the brazen and unchecked way in which he just dived straight in.
From the minute we met by the station till I left, he wouldn't shut up about how "amazing" I looked blah, blah. When I asked about his wife, the story is that they've been together 7 years but only married in the last 2 and one day she woke up and said she felt like she lost her youth to him and she wants to live her life. She's not ready for kids and he claims this is a big problem for him as he is 37 and she's 28, so he feels he's running out of time. All this is happening, according to him, after a 90k wedding in one of Maddonna's favourite hotels in London.
He went on to bore me with details of how he has sacrificed for her buying her designers etc and being faithful like he deserved a medal for that! It wasn't long before he made his intention to take up a mistress clear and he was dead serious.
The interesting thing about this story is not so much him but me and how after nearly 15years experience in dating, I still don't have the confidence to say no to inappropriateness. I let him say all sorts to me including how I "killed him" (with anticipation and longing) whilst we were at Uni by refusing to indulge in fleshly passions with him, how seeing me "awakened a part of him that he thought was dead" and my personal favourite, "there's something about you that smoulders" meaning years after the flame on an encounter with me has been put out, the smoke continues to burn.
Many women boast of putting a guy in his place, telling him rudely not to speak to them in such a manner etc but sometimes I wonder how many really do this? Funny thing is I don't think I have a problem asserting myself with one undesirable person I can barely stand. I have stepped on the toes of many an ardent fan in this manner but I just find it hard when I call you a friend. How do you tell your friend not to say such things? How do you slap him down on the inappropriateness of his speech?
I just sat there and tried not to smile or flirt or act in anyway that could be construed as coy but on getting home I realised I felt violated - verbally. There was an incident though that I think brought his runaway train of madness to a screeching halt. I sent my friend a bb message about his "sob story" re: his wife and how I just wasn't in the mood for it. On reaching for my phone to admire my pictures, he saw it! I forgot to wipe it off the screen. I acted like noting happened but I was mortified and happy all at the same time!
He didn't say anything but I noticed that he chilled a bit after that. So on this occasion I was saved by the phone but what happens on the day where I have no props, no company, no security? Am I saying I cant be trusted not to be that foolish 25yr old I was with SD again despite being over 30 now? It is worrying but when I look back on my life, I see a pattern of chronic people pleasing that has occurred in my relationships both romantic and otherwise.
They say admitting to having and owning an issue is the first step to recovery so don't feel too sorry for me when I post all these (seemingly) negative attributes about myself. This blog is about being honest and real with myself. A tall order with anyone else as judgement is real and even with the best of intentions, friends may never see you the same way if I was to open up about some of this stuff.
Speaking of friends, in my slightly intoxicated state of mind yesterday I gave out my blog address to a friend and even though she has promised not to discuss anything she reads with me or to say anything to anyone, I can't help but feel like I'm already censoring! So far I have been able to write freely but there are other things that give a clearer picture about state of mind when events took place that I do not feel at liberty to share now. Hopefully, I will continue in this free vein but if I sense that I am holding back too much I will have to lock down the blog and only have invited readers.
Finally, this morning I attended an interview for a job that I am considering. When I walked in the meeting room, I couldn't resist flipping through the address book on the phone whilst I waited for my interviewer. I just had to know and yes dear readers, it's true. Mr Love Triangle works there. I'm gutted. It's a huge building so I may never have to see him but he's too close for comfort. I know him and I know his M.O and even worse I know my weaknesses and foolishness coupled with a chronic need to be wanted and loved.
He'll start off by being a good Christian, saying hello, asking if everything is ok, maybe once or twice a week. then one fateful day, we'll both work late and he'll say he wants to apologise for everything. Then now that he's apologised and there's no malice or strife, it'll be how about lunch? I can see it coming a mile off!
The opportunity is a very good one and I think I should take it (if offered) but to be forewarned is to be forearmed and if I know he works there I need to get it straight in my mind how we're going to (or not) relate. I have prayed and asked God to guide me as to which opportunity to take.
Last night was nothing short of a hot mess. Seriously? 10yrs on, this guy is still trying it on. I'm like, I'm grown now, what sort of response did you think you'd get to the invitation to "go back to the town Uni was in for the weekend". What even irritated me more was the brazen and unchecked way in which he just dived straight in.
From the minute we met by the station till I left, he wouldn't shut up about how "amazing" I looked blah, blah. When I asked about his wife, the story is that they've been together 7 years but only married in the last 2 and one day she woke up and said she felt like she lost her youth to him and she wants to live her life. She's not ready for kids and he claims this is a big problem for him as he is 37 and she's 28, so he feels he's running out of time. All this is happening, according to him, after a 90k wedding in one of Maddonna's favourite hotels in London.
He went on to bore me with details of how he has sacrificed for her buying her designers etc and being faithful like he deserved a medal for that! It wasn't long before he made his intention to take up a mistress clear and he was dead serious.
The interesting thing about this story is not so much him but me and how after nearly 15years experience in dating, I still don't have the confidence to say no to inappropriateness. I let him say all sorts to me including how I "killed him" (with anticipation and longing) whilst we were at Uni by refusing to indulge in fleshly passions with him, how seeing me "awakened a part of him that he thought was dead" and my personal favourite, "there's something about you that smoulders" meaning years after the flame on an encounter with me has been put out, the smoke continues to burn.
Many women boast of putting a guy in his place, telling him rudely not to speak to them in such a manner etc but sometimes I wonder how many really do this? Funny thing is I don't think I have a problem asserting myself with one undesirable person I can barely stand. I have stepped on the toes of many an ardent fan in this manner but I just find it hard when I call you a friend. How do you tell your friend not to say such things? How do you slap him down on the inappropriateness of his speech?
I just sat there and tried not to smile or flirt or act in anyway that could be construed as coy but on getting home I realised I felt violated - verbally. There was an incident though that I think brought his runaway train of madness to a screeching halt. I sent my friend a bb message about his "sob story" re: his wife and how I just wasn't in the mood for it. On reaching for my phone to admire my pictures, he saw it! I forgot to wipe it off the screen. I acted like noting happened but I was mortified and happy all at the same time!
He didn't say anything but I noticed that he chilled a bit after that. So on this occasion I was saved by the phone but what happens on the day where I have no props, no company, no security? Am I saying I cant be trusted not to be that foolish 25yr old I was with SD again despite being over 30 now? It is worrying but when I look back on my life, I see a pattern of chronic people pleasing that has occurred in my relationships both romantic and otherwise.
They say admitting to having and owning an issue is the first step to recovery so don't feel too sorry for me when I post all these (seemingly) negative attributes about myself. This blog is about being honest and real with myself. A tall order with anyone else as judgement is real and even with the best of intentions, friends may never see you the same way if I was to open up about some of this stuff.
Speaking of friends, in my slightly intoxicated state of mind yesterday I gave out my blog address to a friend and even though she has promised not to discuss anything she reads with me or to say anything to anyone, I can't help but feel like I'm already censoring! So far I have been able to write freely but there are other things that give a clearer picture about state of mind when events took place that I do not feel at liberty to share now. Hopefully, I will continue in this free vein but if I sense that I am holding back too much I will have to lock down the blog and only have invited readers.
Finally, this morning I attended an interview for a job that I am considering. When I walked in the meeting room, I couldn't resist flipping through the address book on the phone whilst I waited for my interviewer. I just had to know and yes dear readers, it's true. Mr Love Triangle works there. I'm gutted. It's a huge building so I may never have to see him but he's too close for comfort. I know him and I know his M.O and even worse I know my weaknesses and foolishness coupled with a chronic need to be wanted and loved.
He'll start off by being a good Christian, saying hello, asking if everything is ok, maybe once or twice a week. then one fateful day, we'll both work late and he'll say he wants to apologise for everything. Then now that he's apologised and there's no malice or strife, it'll be how about lunch? I can see it coming a mile off!
The opportunity is a very good one and I think I should take it (if offered) but to be forewarned is to be forearmed and if I know he works there I need to get it straight in my mind how we're going to (or not) relate. I have prayed and asked God to guide me as to which opportunity to take.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Do call it a comeback....
It's turning out to be quite the week of comebacks, First SD, then I decide to start blogging again now I am meeting blast from the past #2 tonight after work.
I bumped into him last Friday on my way to work. We went to Uni together and I haven't seen him since. He was part of a group of four Nigerians who all hung out together at Uni because not only were we the only black people on campus (this was back in 1998) but we were all Nigerian. Unfortunately, I was the only chick so I did all the cooking!
So this guy and I have a very funny history because somewhere in the middle of our friendship, something happened, or did it? We never dated and we didn't go all the way but I think we messed around a bit copping a feel here and there or did we? It's very strange because I have very vague memories of this day (it was only one time if it did happen at all) but because it was never discussed and our friendship went on in a business as usual fashion, I often wonder if I didn't imagine it, after all I am a writer of sorts aren't I?
Anyhow, he gave me his card and I emailed him as I was very excited to bump into my friend from over 10yrs ago. We lost touch due to a combination of factors. I lost approx. 5 years of my life as my career was non existent, I was perpetually broke so I couldn't socialise and I was caught up in a ridiculous romance which no one but myself knew about at the time because it was a love triangle. He chose her but it still took a couple of years for the dust to settle on that one - I was still hacking into his email last year - but I digress.
He on the other hand, was doing quite well and he tried to help my career along by coaching me and sending me jobs to apply to but eventually I withdrew and I guess he gave up. Fast forward to 2010 and now I'm flying high and looking good whilst I'm at it so of course when I bumped into him again, I enthusiastically agreed to meet for a catch up. I had heard he was married so I wasn't thinking anything.
Until Monday evening when I got a text asking what the plan was for Wed. I replied and suggested the venue and time. Then he came back with "so don't tell me a fine girl like you is still single". Alarm bells went off I tell you (sebi he is married) but I replied saying " Na so we see am o my broda, how is your wife?" Then he replies "Wife sha? That one na long story, see you on Wed sweet dreams x"
My heart sank as I thought oh no, I hope he is not going to try to go there. If you're wondering why INi am not singing with joy at this oasis in the middle of the desert also known as my love life, see my previous post as most of the reasons apply including the fact that he's not black lol. If that confuses you, he was born and bred in Naija and speaks Hausa and pidgin fluently.
Let me not get ahead of myself. I will come back and report when I have met him tonight. What an exciting week this is turning out to be.... meanwhile SD has chickened out, he hasn't confirmed our date tomorrow yet and I think I will let sleeping dogs lie. Perhaps he also felt what I felt when we spoke and decided not to go there for his wife's sake. Either way, I am grateful to be spared another foolish decision. Lord help me to wise up day by day. Amen.
To be continued.....
I bumped into him last Friday on my way to work. We went to Uni together and I haven't seen him since. He was part of a group of four Nigerians who all hung out together at Uni because not only were we the only black people on campus (this was back in 1998) but we were all Nigerian. Unfortunately, I was the only chick so I did all the cooking!
So this guy and I have a very funny history because somewhere in the middle of our friendship, something happened, or did it? We never dated and we didn't go all the way but I think we messed around a bit copping a feel here and there or did we? It's very strange because I have very vague memories of this day (it was only one time if it did happen at all) but because it was never discussed and our friendship went on in a business as usual fashion, I often wonder if I didn't imagine it, after all I am a writer of sorts aren't I?
Anyhow, he gave me his card and I emailed him as I was very excited to bump into my friend from over 10yrs ago. We lost touch due to a combination of factors. I lost approx. 5 years of my life as my career was non existent, I was perpetually broke so I couldn't socialise and I was caught up in a ridiculous romance which no one but myself knew about at the time because it was a love triangle. He chose her but it still took a couple of years for the dust to settle on that one - I was still hacking into his email last year - but I digress.
He on the other hand, was doing quite well and he tried to help my career along by coaching me and sending me jobs to apply to but eventually I withdrew and I guess he gave up. Fast forward to 2010 and now I'm flying high and looking good whilst I'm at it so of course when I bumped into him again, I enthusiastically agreed to meet for a catch up. I had heard he was married so I wasn't thinking anything.
Until Monday evening when I got a text asking what the plan was for Wed. I replied and suggested the venue and time. Then he came back with "so don't tell me a fine girl like you is still single". Alarm bells went off I tell you (sebi he is married) but I replied saying " Na so we see am o my broda, how is your wife?" Then he replies "Wife sha? That one na long story, see you on Wed sweet dreams x"
My heart sank as I thought oh no, I hope he is not going to try to go there. If you're wondering why INi am not singing with joy at this oasis in the middle of the desert also known as my love life, see my previous post as most of the reasons apply including the fact that he's not black lol. If that confuses you, he was born and bred in Naija and speaks Hausa and pidgin fluently.
Let me not get ahead of myself. I will come back and report when I have met him tonight. What an exciting week this is turning out to be.... meanwhile SD has chickened out, he hasn't confirmed our date tomorrow yet and I think I will let sleeping dogs lie. Perhaps he also felt what I felt when we spoke and decided not to go there for his wife's sake. Either way, I am grateful to be spared another foolish decision. Lord help me to wise up day by day. Amen.
To be continued.....
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