Bad Boys

Ok so this post is about last night's date but I will talk about another bad boy later.

Last night was nothing short of a hot mess. Seriously? 10yrs on, this guy is still trying it on. I'm like, I'm grown now, what sort of response did you think you'd get to the invitation to "go back to the town Uni was in for the weekend". What even irritated me more was the brazen and unchecked way in which he just dived straight in.

From the minute we met by the station till I left, he wouldn't shut up about how "amazing" I looked blah, blah. When I asked about his wife, the story is that they've been together 7 years but only married in the last 2 and one day she woke up and said she felt like she lost her youth to him and she wants to live her life. She's not ready for kids and he claims this is a big problem for him as he is 37 and she's 28, so he feels he's running out of time. All this is happening, according to him, after a 90k wedding in one of Maddonna's favourite hotels in London.

He went on to bore me with details of how he has sacrificed for her buying her designers etc and being faithful like he deserved a medal for that! It wasn't long before he made his intention to take up a mistress clear and he was dead serious.

The interesting thing about this story is not so much him but me and how after nearly 15years experience in dating, I still don't have the confidence to say no to inappropriateness. I let him say all sorts to me including how I "killed him" (with anticipation and longing) whilst we were at Uni by refusing to indulge in fleshly passions with him, how seeing me "awakened a part of him that he thought was dead" and my personal favourite, "there's something about you that smoulders" meaning years after the flame on an encounter with me has been put out, the smoke continues to burn.

Many women boast of putting a guy in his place, telling him rudely not to speak to them in such a manner etc but sometimes I wonder how many really do this? Funny thing is I don't think I have a problem asserting myself with one undesirable person I can barely stand. I have stepped on the toes of many an ardent fan in this manner but I just find it hard when I call you a friend. How do you tell your friend not to say such things? How do you slap him down on the inappropriateness of his speech?

I just sat there and tried not to smile or flirt or act in anyway that could be construed as coy but on getting home I realised I felt violated - verbally. There was an incident though that I think brought his runaway train of madness to a screeching halt. I sent my friend a bb message about his "sob story" re: his wife and how I just wasn't in the mood for it. On reaching for my phone to admire my pictures, he saw it! I forgot to wipe it off the screen. I acted like noting happened but I was mortified and happy all at the same time!

He didn't say anything but I noticed that he chilled a bit after that. So on this occasion I was saved by the phone but what happens on the day where I have no props, no company, no security? Am I saying I cant be trusted not to be that foolish 25yr old I was with SD again despite being over 30 now? It is worrying but when I look back on my life, I see a pattern of chronic people pleasing that has occurred in my relationships both romantic and otherwise.

They say admitting to having and owning an issue is the first step to recovery so don't feel too sorry for me when I post all these (seemingly) negative attributes about myself. This blog is about being honest and real with myself.  A tall order with anyone else as judgement is real and even with the best of intentions, friends may never see you the same way if I was to open up about some of this stuff.

Speaking of friends, in my slightly intoxicated state of mind yesterday I gave out my blog address to a friend and even though she has promised not to discuss anything she reads with me or to say anything to anyone, I can't help but feel like I'm already censoring! So far I have been able to write freely but there are other things that give a clearer picture about state of mind when events took place that I do not feel at liberty to share now. Hopefully, I will continue in this free vein but if I sense that I am holding back too much I will have to lock down the blog and only have invited readers.

Finally, this morning I attended an interview for a job that I am considering. When I walked in the meeting room, I couldn't resist flipping through the address book on the phone whilst I waited for my interviewer. I just had to know and yes dear readers, it's true. Mr Love Triangle works there. I'm gutted. It's a huge building so I may never have to see him but he's too close for comfort. I know him and I know his M.O and even worse I know my weaknesses and foolishness coupled with a chronic need to be wanted and loved.

He'll start off by being a good Christian, saying hello, asking if everything is ok, maybe once or twice a week. then one fateful day, we'll both work late and he'll say he wants to apologise for everything. Then now that he's apologised and there's no malice or strife, it'll be how about lunch?  I can see it coming a mile off!

The opportunity is a very good one and I think I should take it (if offered) but to be forewarned is to be forearmed and if I know he works there I need to get it straight in my mind how we're going to (or not) relate. I have prayed and asked God to guide me as to which opportunity to take.