Saturday night.....

.... and I'm in bed at 21:38 hrs. I feel like a 100yrs old! Anyhoo, another week has gone by and it was a good week. No sign of Mr. Love Triangle, (Mr. LT) which means my misdemeanour from the last post either went unnoticed or he's choosing to ignore me which I must say I am grateful for because hey, as my friend says, I must stop living in my past and face my future. Speaking of which, I had a date with a guy I'll call Cute Geek. So I met CG some 3 weeks ago at a wedding, my bridezilla (almost) friend's wedding to be precise and we sort of hit it off. 


I found him so cute and sexy but geeky too which is always a plus in my books :) We hung out at the wedding for a bit but it was more out of necessity than pure desire as he was the best man and I was well, the best friend-ish of the bride. I am not sure if I talked about the wedding or mentioned him in previous posts but I probably didn't because I didn't want to start building hope where there wasn't really any. For starters he doesn't live here and actually we didn't swap numbers at the wedding.


Imagine my shock then, when I got a text from him yesterday asking how I was! I was like whoa, he actually took the time out to seek my number out and get in touch, this is so cool! I was just going to sort of ignore him and savour the text because again, I was afraid o wanting something so bad that I couldn't make do with whatever he had to offer but then my dear friend who i was having drinks with later took control and forced me to invite him out and go for a drink and lo and behold, he accepted.


So this is how, 2 hours later, i was sat across the table from him with a white wine spritzer in my hand. We had a great time just chatting and catching up on his holiday (like I said he doesn't live here) etc. I left him at 2am which was pretty surprising for a last minute hook up but I am guessing that means he enjoyed my company. But as I write, I realise that though last night was great, I don't think I can expect much more to come from it. It was a nice night but it's not going to be my winter romance or my husband so moving on swiftly......


I should change my number, getting phone calls and texts from boyfriends of 10yrs ago is really just not cool.

I am mortified!

Me and my drama craving self! I knew I would get into trouble! So I was googling Mr Love Triangle in this instant messaging tool we have at work which tells you if the person is at their desk or not. I only wanted to see if he was around then I double clicked his name by accident and the next message I got was "Success, Mr Love Triangle has been added to your Instant Contacts for chat"!!!!

Yeepa! Who sent me message?? Now he's going to think I added him on purpose for chat! I quickly remoived him from my list but what if dear reader, I am still I'm
printed on his screen as a contact? Words cannot explain my shame, especially when I made such a show of ignoring him 2 days ago!! Thank God it's Friday, can't wait to get outta here!

In happier news, I got my shoes! They were also 20pct off although I must be honest, this pair don't fit as well as the previous ones so I have to wait till I get home and try them on again before I know what's up..

I lost my damn shoes!

I mean literally lost them. These are not just any shoes, these are my sexy, black, comfy, business heels! It took me nothing less than 3 months to find them and when I did I just paid the 130 bucks no questions asked because when you find them you find them you know? So how did I lose them? On the way home last night I decided the busiest part of my journey home was over so I could afford to downgrade to the girl next door look which I did by changing the shoes over in a waiting room. I changed into slightly more chilled out flats and that was the last I remember until this morning when I was getting ready. I had my Friday outfit all planned should in case I bump into anyone (there are scores of hotties milling around where I work, think Wall Street with hunky black men done good)n then I reached for my shoes and horror of horrors, it was gone. I checked the usual places, under the bed, behind the door, everywhere but no luck. Then I realised they were just not anywhere at home, I must have left them in the damn waiting room. Of course being brand new, (I broke then out on Monday) some lucky cow with size 6 feet is getting to sashay in MY shoes!

I attempted somewhat half-heartedly to call the station and ask if anything had been handed in and of course nothing had... I mean I am not surprised, these shoes were hot and made for walking! If the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else then I am diving straight back in. This lunchtime, I will attempt to re-purchase these shoes, cost is not a factor, my entire fabulosity is resting on these shoes and with Mr Love Triangle in the building this is a risk I just cannot afford to take. If not for the fact that I am running late to work, I would have gone there first.

All I can say is thank God for my blog because I couldn't have gotten through today without telling someone and none of my friends would understand, they would be too busy telling me how careless I am as if I haven't been telling myself already so dear reader, this is our little secret but I thank you for sharing it with me. So distressed was I that I wrote this post on my BlackBerry so excuse the spelling mistakes and lack of formatting!!!!

I still managed to pull off a fab-ish look today in cropped trousers and a boyfriend cardigan but the shoes would have been the icing on the cake... Nearly @ work now, fingers crossed that they have my shoes in stock...

I saw him today....

Well that was quick.. it only took 3days to bump into Mr. Love Triangle in a building that is 40 floors high and I work on 39, he's on 22 (according to the Intranet). He was shorter and much fatter than I remember and our eyes may have met for a brief second but I quickly looked away and walked past. It was home time and he'd stopped by the barriers to wait for a friend I guess. 


I didn't look long enough but it seems he was shocked. To tell the truth, I know what his modus operandi is and I give him till Friday to get in touch. If he doesn't then I know that he has truly changed.  Somehow though, I think I'll hear from him. As per my post yesterday, I am done with the drama and actually all I thought when I saw him today was how in the world was I ever attracted to that? It's funny how you see clearer after the rain.


Well, just thought I'd check in and let you know, I saw him. Hopefully, that will be the end of that and the part of me that is hoping and wishing for drama will be denied the pleasure (?).

It's been long time coming but I know, a change gon' come

I haven't slept properly in nearly a week. Partly because I was busy helping a friend prepare for her wedding which was a great success but more because I haven't been blogging and getting my feelings out. When I start to internalise, it wreaks havoc in my head and in my heart. So I have come back to be honest and try to de-junk my mind as much as is possible.


Since I last blogged, I met up with SD who I think has finally learnt how to be a man and respect women. It was a lovely evening, catching up and discussing. No funny looks, no disrespect, just a nice evening with two old friends catching up. It was nice and drama free.  must admit, drama free relationships don't come naturally to me. I prefer things heightened and emotional but I am learning that this is not a recipe for happiness at all.


Working my way through this book,  I realise that I am addicted to cheap thrills and instead of learning how to form good habits which lead to lasting happiness, I have made do with little "highs" which are always followed by some terrible lows. Right now in my life, there is peace that some people would die for. I have a job, I have a family who love me, I am not hungry or broke. All my vital organs work and I am not crippled or handicapped in any way. Still, a part of me can't bear the silence. A part of me wants to go and find 'excitement' because it is just too quiet around here.


I will be honest and say I have given Mr Love Triangle more thought than he deserves. I have started work in the same building and he is just a few floors down from where I work. In my madness, I have half wished I could bump into him, exactly why I cannot tell you. Somehow, the prospect seems exciting but this is why I know I have a problem. My impulses are dangerous. After suffering the ultimate rejection from this man, somehow my brain is telling me how nice it would be to see him and show him what he is missing but in truth, I am the sad and lonely one whilst he has a wife and a daughter to go home to. 


At least I am recognising the fact that temptation wants to lead me into dark territory and  pray that by the special Grace of God, the choice I have made to stay away from him will hold true, same job or not. I choose peace and I choose to do the right thing. I will not call his line by 'mistake', I won't wander up to his floor, I won't hang around the canteen hoping to get a glimpse, I am just going to leave well alone and live my own life. 


I have decided to try to think my choices through and make the right ones no matter how dull they may be. It is more exciting to have a dirty secret but surely, it must be more peaceful and ultimately more happy to live a life free of guilt and shame.


I am committed to the cause and I wage war on drama in my life. I put it away. Sometimes it may seem dull and boring but ultimately, I know that it is the right thing to do. I am going to try to trust God for true happiness. Not the kind that is here today gone tomorrow but the kind I can rely on day in day out.


Already my eyes are closing and I feel finally able to have a good night's rest.


It's been a long time coming but I know my change is gon' come or perhaps it is even here already.

I get am for drama sha!

Here are a selection of passionate emails I wrote to ex lovers... bored and going through my emails I thought I'd share. Enjoy!

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27 April 2007

Dear F,

This morning I woke up and I decided that today was going to be my day. A day where only my happiness mattered and every other thing was secondary. Which is why today, I am expelling you from my life. There's nothing left for you here, no love, no sympathy, no friendship, no time, nothing. From this moment on, please lose my number and don't bother replying to this email, it won't be read. Don't text me and don't call. Just stay where you are let me stay where I am.

For clarity's sake, I'll tell you why. Yesterday was your biggest display yet of how inconsiderate and thoughtless you can be. Yes I didn't say anything because if I had, I would have said too much. Even now, I am not angry, just severely disappointed and to tell the truth I feel a little sorry for you. I took the £40 you gave me, and decided that spending it on a night out with you was a good idea. I didn't go shopping, I didn't buy food, I didn't adrdress my phone bill. I just decided to go out with you. Then you turn around and say, "I'm not coming back after the interval". When asked why, you replied "because I am not enjoying it". That right there is where the problem lies. It's always about you. I could have been enjoying myself, you don't know or should I say you don't really care. How many times have I done things with you that I wouldn't dream of doing in a million years? I have done things I cannot even mention in this email, pushed my personal boundaries just to go with you on your journey through life.

The one time I take a bold step and try to claim an evening for myself, do something I am interested in, that was what I got. That was rude, inappropriate, inconsiderate and downright mean. It wouldn't have killed you to even pretend to enjoy yourself if only not to seem rude. That's why people go far. In this life, it's all a little give and take. All that attitude of me, me, me gets you nowhere. It was not cool and it is disgraceful behaviour.

I don't need or want an apology, you're the least of my worries right now. I hurt for the days gone by but frankly, I am glad I have mustered up the strength to put you where you belong - out. This is it, I'm gone for good. I know I wasn't perfect but damn it I cared. I actually gave a sh*t. I cared about you, your career, your child, your problems, your weight everything. Right now, I'm exhausted from giving you so much and receiving so little in return. For months, I've put up with you calling me no more often than a regular booty call, you disappearing without explanation, you texting all sorts of women on your phone, you dismissing me when you're not in the mood for me, you keeping secrets, you subjecting me to your excesses be it drink or otherwise but finally, I see the finish line and the race is over. Last week should have given you a clue into my general state of mind into how I was currently feeling about you (feelings I put aside to reach out to you on this issue of you looking for work) but not even that was enough to muster up any effort from you.

So without further ado, I say goodbye and good luck. You're going to need it. I happily flounce into my future which is bright and lovely especially as you are no longer blocking my sun.

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Sent: 21 June 2005 16:55

To: Mr Love Triangle

Subject: Enough

Just wanted you to know that I've had it with your derogatory attitude. I've had enough of your arrogance thinking you're better than everybody else and practically worshipping those you consider to be the truly 'made'. I'm so disappointed in you because for someone with such humble beginnings one would think that your head would be in the right place.

I hate the way you make me feel about myself, how small and dismissive you can be. I am taking back my freedom from you, I've truly had enough Mr Love Triangle (or whatever your name is these days)! Please just leave me alone. Keep to your high and mighty job and your high and mighty, house buying, flashy car driving friends. Just remember, we all came to this world with nothing and that's exactly how we're going to leave it. you can't take it with you.

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After that bust up, we didn't talk to each other for months then one day, he sent me an email out of the blue saying are you ok? I responded saying "If you miss me just say so". This is what he said:

From:Mr. Love Triangle

Sent: 09 December 2005 15:53

Subject: RE: Details

haa, I don't miss you at all!! I was just making sure you are OK. miss you

ke, should I be missing you after spending the last 4years of my life with

you. Which I must say was (hmm what's the word am locking for)............

of course I miss you. If I didn't do you think I would have called you not

only that then ask you out. What kind of statement is that 'just say you

miss me' . I more that miss you my girl. Anyway we wont go there.....

Cool, meeting me after work sounds good what time do you finish? I finish

for 5pm. where do you want to meet me?

We can go to my house pick up the tapes and I can drop you home (you

drive).

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What I call a 3.5yr saga was actually more than 6yrs long by the time the curtain came down last year. Long time to have been underg. Till this day, you dear reader and a priveleged few are the only ones that know.

The Lord is on my side

This week has been a bit drama free so far and the little there is I realise, is of my own doing. It's as though I am addicted to drama in a way and having a day go by quietly is almost too much to take. It shouldn't surprise me much because this is what happens when you begin to stagnate in your relationship with Christ, which is exactly what has happened to me in the last few weeks and months.

Stagnating comes upon you suddenly. Oh no, you never plan to get in that situation but if you're anything like me, all it takes is missing church a few times, deciding to forgo Wednesday service and forfeiting quiet time everyday. It comes when you decide your bible is too heavy for your bag and after all I have the "downloaded" version on my phone. Never mind that I hate reading the small text on my phone, but I convince myself that the bible is technically always there for me.

The biggest tell tale sign however, is when you begin to ask people for advice instead of God, your maker and the One who will always lead and guide you through troubled waters safely to the other side. I have recently relied heavily on the advice and companionship of others to navigate some tough decisions regarding work and relationships.

This morning, I realised the extent of my folly for human beings are great and can make great friends and mentors but their motives are subject to change and what may have started off as a genuine relationship can somewhere down the line deteriorate into a competition fuelled by envy or jealousy,

God is the same yesterday, today and forever more. With that comes a stability that is hard to match or find elsewhere. Over 2000 yrs later and the Word remains the same. Unchanging, steadfast and full of grace,love and mercy. So when next you feel yourself getting caught up in the spiral of human relationships and wondering who is on your side and who exactly is against you, just remember God's promises and be rest assured that the Lord is on your side.

Romans 8:31

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?"


As I meet SD tonight, I want to remember this truth and remember that God is for me, in every sense of the word.
 
Just before publishing this post, I got a text from my uni "friend", saying "Do you want to head out Wed or Thurs this week?" I didn't even bother to ask "where are we meant to be going?" The flippancy with which he is suggesting a dirty weekend away with him just proves exactly what I was saying up there. We need relationships that seek to serve and not to "use". I thank God for the revelation of what's really important and the wisdom to say no to this fool. (I replied saying, no thanks but have fun)